What can I say or do?

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Janette
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Re: What can I say or do?

Postby Janette » Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:47 pm

I think a retreat is a wonderful idea. Some of our members have found meditation very helpful. :hugs:
Janette


littlesis
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Re: What can I say or do?

Postby littlesis » Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:41 am

Thank you so much for all your advice.I did take a step back & sent loving messages & she has calmed down so much & is listening to the Doctors so that is good. I wrote about it in another post but basically the wellness centre said they would support & help her while she is going through treatment so that was good to hear.Her oncologist rang to say he feels like he got all of the cancer.The margin that was not clear was not definitely cancer so the plan is to take more tissue out on the 14th Dec & more lymph nodes & then to wait till after Xmas to discuss further treatment.He did talk about chemo but one that wont effect fertility.I think she is starting to trust him too so that is good.So it is good she is coming to terms with the diagnoses & is looking at holistic & conventional medicine.I think she is someone who likes to take each step slowly so she can process it all.Having the operation set for December also allows her time to think about her treatment options too.She is going on a retreat this weekend on her own which I think will be really good for her.Thank you all so so much. :heart:

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Re: What can I say or do?

Postby warpgirl » Wed Nov 17, 2010 1:16 am

Littlesis, :hugs: :hugs: to you in this difficult situation. Of course you only want what is best for your sister and to be told that you are being selfish must be hurtful. While it is very difficult to step back and watch somebody you love doing something that you think is not in their best interests, in the end she is the one who must make decisions and be responsible for what happens as a result of them.

There is so much information out there, not all of it reliable, some of it dangerously misleading. It is hard for a layperson to sift through the information and know what is reliable - sometimes it is just easier for people when faced with such a challenging thing in their lives to believe the information that best suits their 'world view'. In my own case, having faith in conventional medicine fits with my world view, so I never had difficulty in accepting the advice I got. Others have faith in self healing, positive thinking, prayer, diet and lifestyle changes, either on their own or in combination with conventional treatments. Many of us may not understand why somebody wouldn't follow the advice of their doctors, especially where what is being recommended is reasonably standard treatment that is backed up by evidence, but she is the only one who can make the decision for herself. You might think that she is very mistaken and you can try to persuade her but you can't change her mind for her. It is her body and her life, nobody can force her to do something against her will.

I can imagine how difficult this is for you. I know if it was my sister I would struggle not to plead with her to listen to the doctors, but I would probably stop myself if I thought that by doing so I was going to drive her away. I hope that her anger subsides and she is able to make her decision driven more by objective consideration than emotion. In the meantime, become as informed as you can, let her know that you are there for her and that you will respect what she decides. In the end you need to accept that, no matter how strongly you believe that it may not lead to the best outcome for her.

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Helen

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Re: What can I say or do?

Postby cherub » Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:16 pm

has anyone mentioned to her that
she can do natural healing options
as well as the recommended medicine

BTW anger is very common give her the space she needs
maybe TXT her and tell her your still around
but dont leave her so she feels alone

as fighting cancer no matter which way you want to deal with it
is a very lonely road especially after all the initial DX and fuss is over
Jennifer
Primary BC:
DX Apr 06 DCIS Gr3 St2B Oes + Prog + Lump & Aux 1 node+
TX: ECx4, Radio 6.5wks, Port, Taxol x12 & AI'S & have CFS
ABC:
October 08 Mets spine & Chest wall
Dec 08 mets liver - taxotere, xoleda & zometa
Jan 09 PPort - now still on Taxotere 18months
Mediastinum mets are taking my voice away
now for rads x 10 august 2010

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Re: What can I say or do?

Postby angel33 » Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:35 pm

I believe there is a much bigger picture of emotions also, bc has been the "icing on the cake".
I hope that your sis can find balance in her life and the right person to confide in.
As you said, it is her journey and until she is ready, all you can do is support and love her.
In another post you mentioned self healing....which authors does she connect to?
Maybe reading some of her books will help you gain insight, and understanding of where she is coming from.
good luck.
:grouphug:
EBC 1997, bony mets Dec 2000, liver mets april 2007, chemo since

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Re: What can I say or do?

Postby hibiscusmum » Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:22 pm

A lot of the women on our forum have counseling as well as medication to help deal with what they are going through

I agree with this as I have 2 young children & dealing with a separation. Counselling & medication is what has helped me thru.

I'm trying to deal with anger/frustration at the moment :crybaby:

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Re: What can I say or do?

Postby Janette » Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:13 pm

If it was my sister, I would tell her what I think and too bad if she doesn't wan't to hear it. Remind her that I love her and want the best for her.

This is such an awful situation. :hugs:
Janette




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Re: What can I say or do?

Postby littlesis » Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:49 pm

That is good advice thank you.As hard as it is I am going to listen & not give my opinions & be loving when she needs it. I guess I will have to lean on my husband & friends when I need to.I wish she would go to counselling but her denial that she needs help is too great at the moment.It is so hard to watch.Thank you for your help.

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Re: What can I say or do?

Postby Gail » Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:37 pm

I think from what you have said there is a bigger picture here with her emotions, a lot of anger and disappointment with a marriage break up and to top it off being diagnosed with cancer. A lot of the women on our forum have counseling as well as medication to help deal with what they are going through. But I don't think this is going to help because she needs to work through her anger. What can you do other thank ring and say, just thinking of you and love you and offer no advice at all, just let her do the talking. If she says you are not helping her with her decisions then just say, I don't know what to say because whatever I say seems to upset you. :hugs:
"You Gotta Laugh!"

Gail


Diagnosed April 2006,Lumpectomy,17 of 25 nodes positive, chemo, radiation. Finished treatment March 07
Diagnosed July 2012 cancer of mediastinal(nodes around lungs and heart)pelvis and spine. Up for the fight!

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Re: What can I say or do?

Postby littlesis » Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:33 am

Thank you.Yes I agree we will have to back off so she doesnt feel any pressure. We did this over the weekend & she rang this morning.We are in a no win situation at the moment.She says she wants her space so we give her that & try & be loving & supportive & then she gets angry that we havent called. I guess she is going through so much emotional anguish at the moment & I dont want to add to that.She will ask our opinion on what to do & when we try & gently tell her she gets angry & says we are selfish & only thinking of ourselves.We are thinking of her.We love her.We want her to be happy & healthy & we want to help her through this however we can & try & be happy when we talk to her but sometimes it is hard. In the end I said I loved her & want her to be healthy & happy & am here for her when she needs me. Is there anything else I can be doing or not doing?She is 41.No children & just gone through a divorce so she is feeling very alone yet wont allow people to be there for her.I am 38 & married & have children so she says I dont understand as I have someone. :(

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Gail
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Re: What can I say or do?

Postby Gail » Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:21 am

I hope you get some feedback from families who have been through similar problems. :hugs: I think you will need to take a step back as she sounds very determined not to follow going through with traditional medical intervention. Given the grade etc she has time on her side to still go with the treatment recommended by her team, so don't despair she may decide to follow through. Perhaps this is just such a shock to her she needs more time to come to terms with it all. You didn't mention her age, but I am presuming she is relatively young. If she is threatening to cut you all off she is obviously stressed and finding it difficult to think things through with everyone pressing for immediate treatment.

You may just have to accept her decision and give her the time she needs.
"You Gotta Laugh!"

Gail


Diagnosed April 2006,Lumpectomy,17 of 25 nodes positive, chemo, radiation. Finished treatment March 07
Diagnosed July 2012 cancer of mediastinal(nodes around lungs and heart)pelvis and spine. Up for the fight!

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What can I say or do?

Postby littlesis » Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:07 am

These last few days have been so hard.My sister has been diagnosed with BC.The team of Doctors would like her to get a clear margin & start HT & have some radiation but she is so angry & will not listen to anyone.She wants all her family & friends to support her with positive energy but how do we do this when we cannot express our concern with her decisions? She thinks she can self heal this thing.She wont talk to her BC nurse & if we dont act happy or if we try to discuss her treatment options she gets so mad & has threatened to cut us off. We adore her.We want her to have a long & happy life & to at least listen to the professionals.It sounds like she can be free of this cancer if she has the treatment but if she doesnt then it will spread. How do we show care & love & support when she is so angry.I know its her journey & I want to be there for her but it is really hard listening to someone who is coming up with all these ideas & although it may work, from what I have read many people do get very ill if they dont get the treatment they need. Sorry to rant but I would love to hear from other relatives or friends who have been through this. Should we stand aside & let her make all the choices & support her in those choices even if we feel it could harm her?


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