My daughter TanFor has ABC

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lesleydonna
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Postby lesleydonna » Wed Sep 30, 2009 10:19 pm

Hi Maccaposs,

Im glad you have joined the forum. As you can see from the posts, we love Tanya and her no nonsense approach to life and death. She has been a great inspiration to many of us through her posts. I have never met her in person, but feel i know her as i know a lot of the women here. I feel great empathy for tanya as i too have a young child and have metastic cancer. You are right about people not wanting to know about dying. People around me, family and friends have never acknowledged that i will die from this disease.

My Dh has only just in the last few months allowed me to discuss end of life issues, like my funeral, my wishes for my sons education etc. I am organising stuff for him for after im gone and writing down stuff for elliot, a journal of our time together with pics etc so he will remember me. Im not at the stage tanya is, but one day i will be and when you know you are terminal, you need to be able to have a voice about your wishes and feel at peace with your situation. I would hate to be like jackies BIL i want my death to be peaceful and i want my family to find some kind of peace about it as well.

Accepting that life will be shorter than you expected and for family members to accept that as well is hard as hell, but it is out of our hands and as Tans's dh said, we have to accept that we are helpless to stop the inevitable, because there is absolutely nothing we can do to change the situation, so what else can we do but make the journey as easy as possible.

I hope that you will find some great encouragment and help from the forum, we will certainly try and help as much as you can, and you can be as honest as you like here.

Love to you and Tanya
Lesley
"Let your hook be always cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be fish."
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TanS
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Postby TanS » Tue Sep 29, 2009 11:01 am

I totally agree Jo......I would much rather it be me going through this than watching someone I love have to do it.

When we went to have my mammogram and ultrasound to confirm the dx, there was a young woman in her late 20's there with 2 young toddlers, she was so upset and had no one there to support her. It seemed so unfair that someone so young and with little ones might have to go through this. My DH was upset with me as I said I hoped it was me with bc rather than her.

Its funny, I have never regretted that.

:hugs:
Tanya

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jaybee
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Postby jaybee » Tue Sep 29, 2009 12:25 am

Welcome Maccaposs,we are here for you whenever you need. I have always felt that our loved ones do it far harder and tougher than ourselves, where we have an entourage of medicos and support, there is very little offered to the ones we love.
:hugs: to you both, please send on our regards to Tanya. :hugs:

sue2211
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Postby sue2211 » Mon Sep 28, 2009 9:03 pm

Maccaposs, I sincerely hope that we can offer you and Tanya some support at this difficult time.
John, never be afraid to vent your feelings, they are very valid.
I hope that if I ever find myself in your situation, I will deal with death with the dignity and strength that you have all shown
sue x
Diagnosed Feb 08. Lumpectomy and 2 sentinel nodes removed - negative. Medullary carcinoma, ER+, PR - , Her2 +.

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Jollyjac
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Postby Jollyjac » Mon Sep 28, 2009 6:30 pm

Hi Maccaposs, like Gail I have never met Tanya, but from reading her posts I can tell your daughter is a strong willed, no nonsense type of girl who's strength of character is inspiring. She seems so at peace with the world, which is a wonderful thing.
I know the pall care team will take very good care of Tanya, they are very special people who really care.
Jackie

John and Tanya,
your post was touching and honest, and it's so true everbody does bury there head in the sand and pretends every thing will be alright.
My DH's little brother died of cancer of the esophagus 3 yrs ago aged 33, within 6 months of being dx, despite Chemo and radiation.
Him and his partner moved in with us for care and support in the final few weeks before he died, he had refused Pall care - didn't like the name and remained positive that treatment would give him longer right to the end. He wasn't ready to die, one Onc nurse had suggested he should get his affairs in order, he was quite upset by that and requested she didn't look after him again.
He died a horrible death, he was still requesting active medical treatment right up untill the end, he died without a will and had never discussed his funeral.
Not one member of his medical team ever said to his family (not sure about to him) he was going to die and quicky, his Mum was heart broken, in shock when he died, she thought he had a lot more time left. 3 yrs on she is still heartbroken and I don't think she will ever get over his death.
Jackie
Dx feb 09, aged 40 triple pos, multifocal 2.1cm, 1.5 cm IDC 2+ nodes
AC x4 Taxol x12 Herceptin Arimidex 1 yr - ceased due to osteoporosis
Zometa x 4, No hormone therapy

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Gail
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Postby Gail » Mon Sep 28, 2009 11:30 am

Maccaposs, you are probably aware of our feelings about Tanfor from the posts. I have never met her, but I have a huge amount of respect for her strength of character and the way she has taken life and the prospect of dying head on. What an amazing young woman she is, you have done a wonderful job in raising her with such tenacity. I am thinking of you and Tanfor and her children and hope she remains comfortable. :hugs:

maccaposs
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Honesty

Postby maccaposs » Mon Sep 28, 2009 10:59 am

Dear John you are so right about Western soc. and dying ,if I say to people my daughter is dying they look at me as if I've said the "F" word. My family however,cant put their heads in the sand as Tanya is way too strong minded for that.She has always faced life head on and given it her best shot but is realistic about losing the fight.Ialready have had comfort from the forum because I have sat here reading and having a "good cry".Tanya had afairly good night and our wonderful Palcare is coming today , she is confident she can keep Tanya comfortable.Iwill talk again soon ,takes me ages to write as I never learned to type .This forum will improve my skills I'm sure .thanks to all who replied ,regards Maccaposs

SUE48
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Postby SUE48 » Sun Sep 27, 2009 11:30 pm

Yeh....I agree....we have a great bunch of people who tell it how it is....and most importantly we are all here for each other...through the good times and the bad.....
We are all living this BC journey...and however tough it is...we support and care about each other...a true blessing....and with the support of everyone...we all get through it....sometimes just a step at a time....but we get there in the end...
God bless everyone....
Regards
Sue
Always face the sunshine and the shadows will fall behind

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schoolteacher
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Postby schoolteacher » Sun Sep 27, 2009 8:05 pm

Well said EVERYONE! I am constantly inspired by how impressive you all are. What a great bunch of caring, understanding human beings! Mwah
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jayem
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Postby jayem » Sun Sep 27, 2009 6:42 pm

Dear Maccaposs. I said to Tanya that I would look out for your posts.

I am sorry we don't have answers here as to why this is happening to your family. I do know that this is, however, an honest place. You can say what you want about this whole situation and know that there are people here who understand.

I think the hardest thing is that expressed by John, the helplessness to change the inevitable. No, it is not right that a parent has to bury a child. From what I have heard, Pal Care can offer on the ground support in a variety of ways so it is good that they are there for you all now.

Your daughter has been an inspiration to so many people. Her forthright manner has been appreciated and the decisions she has made about her treatment and living with cancer prove that all is not doom and gloom.

Warm wishes to you all at this time and I hope that we can be what you need us to be in the days ahead.
Jan

Dx 20 Sept 2006, 2 cm IDC + DCIS, 1/16+ node, ER+, PR+, HER2-, 4 AC, 4 Taxol, 33 rads
CFEM Trial 5 years Arimidex, 5 year SOLE trial Femara
Dx Aug 2016 neuroendocrine cancer in pancreas, mets to liver, abdominal nodes, hip, skull, scalp and breast.

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jay66
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Postby jay66 » Sun Sep 27, 2009 5:59 pm

Thank you for your honesty John, that is what is wonderful about this forum. I watched two people that where a very big part of my life pass away because of cancer, I feel for my own hubby and kids because I know those feelings. There is nothing easy with losing someone you love. I just wish there was more that can be done, but I offer you my deepest feelings. :hugs: Please write, this is the place where you will always find understanding no matter what. :hugs: :hugs:
Life, Live it.

Dx 7/07 DCIS 2cm, IDC 1.8cm, multifocal. Grade 2/3. 0/7 Nodes. Vascular Lymph Invasion. ER/PR- Her2 +++ under reconstrution lat flap, expanders. C cup

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jezza
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Postby jezza » Sun Sep 27, 2009 5:42 pm

Yes John and Maccaposs....that is the good thing about this forum. You don't have to pretend.

The ppl who I have admired most here are the ones who just tell it like it is (and that certainly includes Tanfor)

Its good that family and friends are posting and interacting with others. Its often hard to find support elsewhere. Ppl mean well but often don't know what to do or say.

jezza

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Janette
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Postby Janette » Sun Sep 27, 2009 4:52 pm

Dear Tanya and John,
I thought John's post was beautiful, sensitive, compassionate and from the heart. Your post John epitomises why this forum is so great and that you chose to share your feelings with someone going through such an awful time. There is no greater support than someone who has been through similar. :hugs: :hugs:
Janette


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TanS
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Postby TanS » Sun Sep 27, 2009 4:17 pm

Hi MP,

My DH is sorry if he has upset anyone with his post.........its very close to his heart.........he hates the thought that anyone else has to go through losing a child (whatever age).

This is the first time he has felt the need to respond........even though he reads a lot on here. I know that everything he said came from the heart. Sometimes we all have trouble putting into words what we really mean.

MP I hope Tanya is as comfortable as she can be. If we can do anything at all for either of you, please let us know.

Hugs
Tanya
"Promise me you will always remember:
You're BRAVER than you believe,
and STRONGER than you seem,
and SMARTER than you think."

Christopher Robin said this to Winnie-the-Pooh, written by A. A. Milne in 1926!!

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cherub
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Postby cherub » Sun Sep 27, 2009 4:07 pm

hey maccaposs,
glad you have us to share with
I also have ABC and tanya was my inspiration when I came to this site
back in 2007 with EBC its hard to believe it has been that long
anyway good to see you posting keep it up and take care
love
Jennifer
Jennifer
Primary BC:
DX Apr 06 DCIS Gr3 St2B Oes + Prog + Lump & Aux 1 node+
TX: ECx4, Radio 6.5wks, Port, Taxol x12 & AI'S & have CFS
ABC:
October 08 Mets spine & Chest wall
Dec 08 mets liver - taxotere, xoleda & zometa
Jan 09 PPort - now still on Taxotere 18months
Mediastinum mets are taking my voice away
now for rads x 10 august 2010


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