My BFF has BC and The Struggle is Real

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The new girl
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Re: My BFF has BC and The Struggle is Real

Postby The new girl » Fri Oct 06, 2017 11:24 pm

:wave: sorry to hear your friends are dealing with cancer Janette,some times it's hard to know the best way to help unless they ask.
Belinda I think you just have to wait and see what happens,your friend needs to cope as best she can with what she is going through and I am sorry to say she won't be the same ever again,I know because I know I am a different person since this rotten cancer.
Rosa

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Re: My BFF has BC and The Struggle is Real

Postby Janette » Fri Oct 06, 2017 1:49 pm

Belinda,
My best friends are going through a pancreatic cancer diagnosis and I was trying to help them by help painting a fence and went to the markets to help sell their fruit. Their only real income. The patient said she was feeling redundant so I felt better to leave as I wasn't there to distress her.

Not a reaction you would expect but nevertheless an understandable one. She is dealing with so many emotions at the moment as is your friend I'm sure. :hugs:
Janette

Dx LCIS Dec 1997, Dx IDC, DCIS, bilateral LCIS Oct 2005 er+pr+her2-
Bilateral Mastectomies, expanders and silicone implants

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Re: My BFF has BC and The Struggle is Real

Postby belinda07 » Thu Oct 05, 2017 6:43 pm

I am up for being the punching bag, of course, and i'll always be there no matter what, but as you said it is complex.
It is super tough seeing someone you love have to go through this, and not being able to change anything about this situation really sucks.
Feeling like my best friend is slipping away from me and there is nothing I can do or say to change it sucks... I know she knows I am there... not much I can do now but be patient and just wait and hope everything goes well for her and that we can build on our friendship again when shes ready.
My other friends are saying that I am taking it too personal but I can't help it... I am trying really hard not to let it get to me so much but when I see her being super normal and laughing and joking with other friends...... and when it comes to me she is blunt, flat and barely talks..... of course I can't help but take it personal. I feel like I have done something wrong even though I know I haven't
My heart feels broken :crybaby: :crybaby: :crybaby:

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Re: My BFF has BC and The Struggle is Real

Postby Janette » Mon Oct 02, 2017 11:33 pm

belinda07 wrote:Hey everyone. Thanks for your replies
It is just a tricky situation to be honest. I know my friend still relies on me for support when its more serious or wants medical advice but when it comes to every day sort of things, that is where I feel the distance the most. It sort of is like everyone else is there for the good time(dinners, outings, fun) and i'm there for the bad time. I know deep down she appreciates what I do, and I know she is going through a lot at the moment and maybe I am her punching bag? But to what extent do I need to put up with this attitude? I am a human being, with feelings.. who is so scared to see their best friend going through this but I've never given up on her.

I don't want to end my friendship with her, that isn't an option for me to want to abandon her just because she is going through a hard time and isnt being the greatest to me at the moment.... i just feel like she has pushed me away a lot recently though and I am just trying to figure out why me? Out of everyone..... why is it that I am coping it the most?

I have had a conversation with her via messenger recently briefly explaining how I have been feeling etc and I didn't get much back from it at all.... sort of ignored the whole thing. If i keep my distance then she usually will send me a random message asking something... not sure if sussing me out?
I'm just in a situation where I don't know how to help her, or help our friendship now. Its no longer a two way street anymore I feel, like when things are happening in my life where I want to tell her or go to her for advice or a shoulder to lean on, I feel like I can't do that anymore? I feel alone.
I suppose that is why I tried to find a forum where I can talk to people who can give me advice or I can read about others experiencing something similar
We have always been each others back bone through everything and she has always referred to me as her "rock" and wanted me by her side through all of this but now I feel like I don't matter much these days.
I actually went over her house yesterday and her mum quietly mentioned to me how her daughter (my friend) has been so grumpy and in a bad mood lately.. So i could now think that she is not just being like this towards me but also her mum... and it is because she is most comfortable with us to act this way and lash out at us?

As for her other friends, since she has been diagnosed she has suddenly had old friends reappear, or new friends trying to get closer and to me I feel because she has all these different people around her and giving her so much attention, that she has forgotten who has been there all along.

I feel like i sound selfish! She is the one going through the worst thing imaginable and I am struggling in a different way... I just have such an emotional build up inside of me and I cry so much and I feel so down and I just want to hug her and say IM HERE... but i can't.. because I have said that so many times now that it just doesn't change anything

Hi Belinda,
There are so many emotions involved with Cancer for the patient, family and friends. It may be the feeling that a genuine friend is up to being used as a punching bag, I don't know but I do understand the feeling. Sometimes the more you try to support and help, the more your are taken for granted. I don't have the answers I'm afraid it is very complex. We can only do our best. :hugs:
Janette



Dx LCIS Dec 1997, Dx IDC, DCIS, bilateral LCIS Oct 2005 er+pr+her2-
Bilateral Mastectomies, expanders and silicone implants

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Re: My BFF has BC and The Struggle is Real

Postby jezza » Sun Oct 01, 2017 4:10 pm

I was diagnosed a long time ago but I do remember that it was a relief sometimes to be with people who didn't even know I'd been diagnosed because I didn't have to explain how my treatment was going etc etc...could just talk about normal things. I'm sure the newer friends in her life do know she is having treatment as it will be obvious if she is having chemo but maybe she keeps things much lighter with them. Have you many other friends to go out with...or mutual friends that you could organise a dinner or fun movie with and ask her along Is she handling chemo ok?

I'm sure she has had some really bad times and gets very down which is normal and it's hard to know what to say or do. Maybe back off a little, pop in every now and then with something you know she likes...a handcream, ginger ale if she feels nauseous from chemo, a magazine, let her know you're there but don't overstay.

I'm sure you're right about her letting those closest to her see that she's not travelling all that well. On this forum we usually see the opposite concern where close friends drop away so it's great to see that you are trying to stand by her and puzzling to know whats going on.

jezza
Dx Jan. 1992 9mm Grade 3 IDC node neg. LB mast. Prophylactic RB mast. 6 months later. No chemo. No rads. Saline implants. 22 years NED. (No Evidence of Disease)

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Re: My BFF has BC and The Struggle is Real

Postby belinda07 » Sun Oct 01, 2017 2:17 pm

Hey everyone. Thanks for your replies
It is just a tricky situation to be honest. I know my friend still relies on me for support when its more serious or wants medical advice but when it comes to every day sort of things, that is where I feel the distance the most. It sort of is like everyone else is there for the good time(dinners, outings, fun) and i'm there for the bad time. I know deep down she appreciates what I do, and I know she is going through a lot at the moment and maybe I am her punching bag? But to what extent do I need to put up with this attitude? I am a human being, with feelings.. who is so scared to see their best friend going through this but I've never given up on her.

I don't want to end my friendship with her, that isn't an option for me to want to abandon her just because she is going through a hard time and isnt being the greatest to me at the moment.... i just feel like she has pushed me away a lot recently though and I am just trying to figure out why me? Out of everyone..... why is it that I am coping it the most?

I have had a conversation with her via messenger recently briefly explaining how I have been feeling etc and I didn't get much back from it at all.... sort of ignored the whole thing. If i keep my distance then she usually will send me a random message asking something... not sure if sussing me out?
I'm just in a situation where I don't know how to help her, or help our friendship now. Its no longer a two way street anymore I feel, like when things are happening in my life where I want to tell her or go to her for advice or a shoulder to lean on, I feel like I can't do that anymore? I feel alone.
I suppose that is why I tried to find a forum where I can talk to people who can give me advice or I can read about others experiencing something similar
We have always been each others back bone through everything and she has always referred to me as her "rock" and wanted me by her side through all of this but now I feel like I don't matter much these days.
I actually went over her house yesterday and her mum quietly mentioned to me how her daughter (my friend) has been so grumpy and in a bad mood lately.. So i could now think that she is not just being like this towards me but also her mum... and it is because she is most comfortable with us to act this way and lash out at us?

As for her other friends, since she has been diagnosed she has suddenly had old friends reappear, or new friends trying to get closer and to me I feel because she has all these different people around her and giving her so much attention, that she has forgotten who has been there all along.

I feel like i sound selfish! She is the one going through the worst thing imaginable and I am struggling in a different way... I just have such an emotional build up inside of me and I cry so much and I feel so down and I just want to hug her and say IM HERE... but i can't.. because I have said that so many times now that it just doesn't change anything

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Re: My BFF has BC and The Struggle is Real

Postby The new girl » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:16 am

:wave: hi belinda,sorry to hear what your friend is going through at such a very young age,I was diagnosed at 49, going through treatment is really tough and your friend is coping the best way she can,friendships sometimes don't last the distance and because it's happened now it's easy to just blame it on what she is going through. You can ask to talk to her and tell her how you feel but your friendship may never be the same again,sorry if that's being to direct. You can just keep at a distance and see if she contacts you,as sad as it is sometimes friendships don't last.
Wishing you all the best
Rosa

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Re: My BFF has BC and The Struggle is Real

Postby schoolteacher » Sat Sep 30, 2017 4:50 pm

Belinda
You are hurting. Your friend will be also. A BC diagnosis was hard to deal with at 50. I couldn't imagine dealing with it at 23. Chemotherapy is hard and has many side effects.
I can remember growing and changing a lot in my 20's. A letter is a good suggestion. Being open and honest is always the best option. You may not hear what you want to hear but at least you will know where you stand. Your friend may feel the need to accept all support that is offered. She would be feeling very insecure at the moment. A diagnosis is like having the rug pulled from under your feet.
DX OCT 08, 9mm Her2+ grade 3 tumour and DCIS. Nodes clear, wide local incision, unclear margins so LB mastectomy, chemo Taxotere Carboplatin Herceptin Tram Flap Nov 2011

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Re: My BFF has BC and The Struggle is Real

Postby ruth1 » Sat Sep 30, 2017 1:29 pm

Belinda - I feel for you as you have put in such an effort to support your friend. Chemo is terribly hard treatment and I think it does change people - it changed me a bit and I became very sensitive to things people said. I stopped contact with a close friend of many years because she became impatient with me and spoke sharply to me which I just couldn't handle. I think she found it frustrating that I wasn't the fun party person she knew and having to cope with a seriously sick person was too much. Different to what you are experiencing though. Perhaps you could write a letter to your friend and be very honest about how you feel and ask about it that way - yes I know a letter is very old fashioned these days but this situation calls for good old pen and paper. If you get a good answer from that then you can mend things but if there isn't then might be time to move on.
Dx IDC 2cm grade 3 ER/PR pos. DCIS grade 3, fam hist metastatic BC. Bi lat mastectomy, FEC x 4, surgical revision pending. AI x 5 yrs Femara

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My BFF has BC and The Struggle is Real

Postby belinda07 » Sat Sep 30, 2017 12:12 pm

:crybaby: :crybaby:

My best friend (aged 23) got diagnosed with stage IIB Breast Cancer 4 months ago.
She is currently undergoing 17 rounds of chemotherapy (4 A.C) and now Taxol and Carbo weekly.
Ive especially noticed the past month and a bit how disconnected I feel from her. At the beginning of this journey she wanted me by her side always... even 3am chats etc. By reading lots of supportive friend stuff on websites i feel like I have being doing all that plus more
Ive noticed since she has become unwell that a lot of old friends have come back in her life and shes made some friends a year ago at university which now seem to be who she goes to... now its sort of like...... im a nobody
Ive been there not just since the diagnosis but forever before.
I know shes unwell and maybe doesnt mean to act this way and can be passive towards me and very blunt etc but i just feel like ive been pushed to the side now. Everyone says it's cos we are the closest that she feels comfortable to treat me this way..... but im getting emotionally tired. Its not fair to be treated this way
Im still hurting everyday knowing she is unwell and i hate how she has to go through this but i miss my best friend. There is like a barrier between us now and when i see her with others she isnt like that with them.
Im not coping with this change at all now...... ive tried to distance myself a bit but i dont want to do that at the same time.
Im so stuck and it has been giving me anxiety and i feel really low about the whole situation. Ive tried to talk to her about it but she just disregards what i have to say........ can anyone relate to me? What do i do... does it get better?


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