Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

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jezza
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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby jezza » Mon Mar 05, 2012 6:28 pm

I hope you find these suggestions helpful Clanger. I'm sure we would all be interested in how things are going with you and your friend and what you decided to do.

jezza
Dx Jan. 1992 9mm Grade 3 IDC node neg. LB mast. Prophylactic RB mast. 6 months later. No chemo. No rads. Saline implants. 22 years NED. (No Evidence of Disease)

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Quilla
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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby Quilla » Mon Mar 05, 2012 6:12 pm

I also agree with the others, it would be depressing. As with many the best help was the mother's at school helping out with meals and travel arrangements getting my daughter to and from school. Also while I was in hospital someone from work sent a whole bundle of magazines. When I was home another friend arrived with a lovely selection of scarves which worked really well with one of my head pieces (it has a band that you can change) and from the girls at work in general lovely non allergenic creams and fancy stuff and another sent a bundle of DVDs. So definitely practical and pampering is a much better option.

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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby LuvMyLab » Mon Mar 05, 2012 3:24 pm

I agree with the girls. I would be mortified if somebody gave me that. The best help for me was meals being delivered, shopping, movies etc.

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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby angel33 » Sun Mar 04, 2012 4:27 pm

Everyone is different...trust your gut.....practical help is the best.

A true friend is there during the highs and lows...., a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen, someone to bake a cake or watch the kids whilst you shower....someone who is there and cares.....only you know!

A bc diagnosis makes one question their mortality and the what ifs etc.

Im sure you will know what to do.

Take care

angel33
EBC 1997, bony mets Dec 2000, liver mets april 2007, chemo since

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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby schoolteacher » Sat Mar 03, 2012 11:48 am


Crystalady
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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby Crystalady » Sat Mar 03, 2012 11:43 am

I agree with Chris wholeheartedly. Just recently ( the first time in the 14 years I've been fighting this disease) that a friend has bought us a meal. You cannot imagine how good it felt that this person who I really didn't expect it from, had taken the time to do this.

I think the idea of kids lunches, doing the shopping too is excellent. The other is to just be there, you don't even have to talk because believe me sometimes it's too hard to entertain others.

Rather than a "memory album", how about doing a goal board. Maybe you could plan a weekend away as a group and have pictures of where you could go. Shopping, restaurants,spas, or walks in a forest, picnics, trips to the beach etc. It could start with a picture of all of you in the middle. Magazines are great sources for these pictures.

You sound like a "Real" friend, so I'm sure you'll work it out. Thank you for being there for your friend.

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First diagnosed in Dec 1998. Thyroid cancer 2006. Thought I was free and clear after 10 years but no, mets in spine in Dec 2008. Femara stopped working October 2010.Was on Aromasin and zometa. Now taking Xeloda and Zometa.Xeloda not working Dec 2011. Tamoxifen started. Feb 2012 Now on Abraxane.

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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby molly dooker » Fri Mar 02, 2012 10:14 am

Hi clanger and welcome,
I agree with most that has been said here. I am glad you are writing here about your feelings about this. I think at the time, I always believed after my surgery (mastectomy) and treatment finished, that would be it, and I could move on from breast cancer, it was gone, and I could just get on with my life. No, it isn't as easy as that. But I was given a couple of "inspirational" books with "be positive" type quotes etc. I also received a big pile of get well cards from people I never see! Which at the time I was lovely. I received flowers. I loved them, but they do start to smell after a while. Then they have to be thrown out, and when you are weak from ops or treatment.....very soon after treatment I felt an urge to pack the cards away forever, and I haven't looked at the books since. I actually didn't really look at them at the time.
But what a person really needs is practical help. I had a lot of help from my 18 (at the time) yr old daughter, and my two sisters with taking me to and from treatment and cleaning the house a couple of times. I love them for the help they gave me.
But not one person who sent a get well card offered help or a meal, or anything. One beautiful friend who is a yoga teacher came to my house while I was going through treatment to run several yoga sessions for me, which was just amazing and wonderful.
I don't know, maybe instead of this, what sounds like could be potentially very depressing book, you could suggest helping in individual ways. A meal while going through treatment never goes astray. My sister bought me a great book, "Here's the Story" by Maureen Mccormick who was Marcia in the Brady Bunch for when I was in hospital. It was a great distraction from what I was going through. Even getting together and buying a bunch of trashy magazines each week. When I had chemo and for some months after, I had real trouble reading full on novel type books just because of the drugs, they tend to fog up the brain a bit. ("Chemo brain" is a very real thing)
Yes, although everyone is different, your friend might love the book, but I would err on the side of caution, it is such a rollercoaster of emotions time. One day your fine, the next day you can be tucked in a corner in a foetal position balling your eyes out. All the best, I think you are a very caring friend, who seems to be in tune with things. :hugs: Chris x
Chris

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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby kiwijan » Fri Mar 02, 2012 7:23 am

the day after I was dx [and mine was only early bc]; I ran into a lady [not a particularly close friend] but she asked how I was. I said do you really want to know - as lets be honest; when we meet up with someone we usually say "hi how are you". However; she said yes; so I said I had just been dx with bc. When I got home from town - about 1/2 hr later a florist bunch of flowers arrived from her. To this day; I cannot explain how I felt. I was torn between "how nice of her" and "does she think I am going to die". I got really depressed over those flowers; so really you need to be a little careful and I think your friend`s idea is not a good one. As others have said; when your friend with bc is going through treatment - chemo or rads - then it would be just great for you friends to do practical things like cooking; cleaning etc. She will really appreciate things along those lines. Sounds like the one with bc is really lucky as she has very supportive friends which is great.
Stage 1; Grade 11; bc. ER/PR positive; lumpectomy and rads. Finished 5yrs of tamoxifen on 1/11/10

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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby carmie » Fri Mar 02, 2012 7:12 am

I would get them together & explain you sought advice & let them read these answers. I guess it depends on what type of person she is & her frame of mind.
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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby chrismelb » Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:52 pm

My work friend made me a get well card and it had old work photos on it. I enjoyed getting that.
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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby jayem » Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:20 pm

I can see where your friend is coming from... sort of... perhaps she thinks that highlighting happy memories will give your mutual friend something to fight for. However I agree with the other posters that it seems almost an obituary.

Definitely explain how you feel and why but also come up with other, more practical, ways you can provide support.

I hope all goes well.
Jan

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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby Janette » Thu Mar 01, 2012 9:50 pm

Trust your own instincts, there are some great ideas here. I hope all goes well.
Janette


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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby Marydean » Thu Mar 01, 2012 9:42 pm

While well intentioned, this idea sounds like a real "clanger". I'm sure your friend would far prefer if the gang turned up to help in practical ways, or even just moral support. The BCNA website has a printable brochure on it with suggestions for friends and co-workers who want to support a woman with bc. Maybe print a few of those up for your friends?
Last edited by Marydean on Sat Mar 03, 2012 12:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby jezza » Thu Mar 01, 2012 9:02 pm

That idea sounds awful to me. I was diagnoses with early breast cancer but of course I still had those morbid thoughts as we all do and if anyone had given me a memory book of good times I had had in the past it would have really upset me. As it was I remember in my darkest moments thinking that I would never be happy or have carefree times again. Seems silly now to think of it but if a friend had presented me with a "fabulous memory album" it would have shattered me.

Your friend may be different of course but thats me. Was she diagnosed as Stage 111 from the getgo or has her cancer progressed?

Things that help are ...listening....doing practical things like the "girls" getting a roster for rides to treatment or being a "chemo buddy" IF she wants one....just preparing and delivering meals or treats for school lunches if she has a family....doing food shopping....things that still need to be done no matter how you feel.

I'm sure your friend has the best intentions and its understandable that she thinks this would be a lovely gesture but to me this is not a good idea and could do the opposite to what was intended.

Others may have different opinions though.

jezza
Dx Jan. 1992 9mm Grade 3 IDC node neg. LB mast. Prophylactic RB mast. 6 months later. No chemo. No rads. Saline implants. 22 years NED. (No Evidence of Disease)

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Re: Friend wants to create a 'fabulous moments memory album'

Postby schoolteacher » Thu Mar 01, 2012 7:36 pm

Personally I would nip the idea in the bud. Your friend needs hope. Most ABC ladies here decide when they want to start memory albums/boxes for family. Not sure about friends. Your friend is stage 3 not stage 4. They may be well intentioned but....


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