Hi...Vent warning

For those wanting to share with others living with secondary or metastatic breast cancer.
Marydean
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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby Marydean » Sun Aug 02, 2015 12:21 am

Tigger, no advice, only hugs :hug: and love :heart: to you.
Dancing through life, healing every cell in my body.

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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby schoolteacher » Sat Aug 01, 2015 7:32 pm

Tigger, it breaks my heart reading this. If you can't come first now, with what you are dealing with there is something very wrong! I think the writing was on the wall the last time you posted about your husband. You can't carry others while looking after yourself and a disabled child. That is more than enough.
I was gob smacked by the meal comment. I think I would have packed her bags for her at that point. How selfish. At 31 I think you can and should expect better. She sounds very like your husband.
Great news with the scan :clap: concentrate on looking after you. :hugs:

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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby ruth1 » Sat Aug 01, 2015 7:03 pm

ahhh Tigger, great to hear that no nonsense strength coming out and telling it as it is. Good on you for being that way but its stressful having to do that and stress is the last thing you need so I hope you can get the message through without getting yourself wound up. It just shouldn't be this hard especially for the person suffering this damn illness.

Let us know how you go when you get home - I do hope its a peaceful return.
Dx IDC 2cm grade 3 ER/PR pos. DCIS grade 3, fam hist metastatic BC. Bi lat mastectomy, FEC x 4, surgical revision pending. AI x 5 yrs Femara

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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby jezza » Sat Aug 01, 2015 6:31 pm

People can be mean can't they! Couldn't believe your daughter's meal comment. I know she probably blurted it out without thinking and was half joking but still.....these things hurt.

You really needed that good news and that boost that the chemo is working....and so thoughtful of the nurse to call you.....doesn't take much but so many don't even think about it.

You sound like a wonderful mum...so much to cope with and yet you still have a sense of humour. I hope you have a great time away....keep in touch. xx

jezza

PS. Love that you can have a rest while your son drives. I was a nervous wreck when my son first started driving....lol
Dx Jan. 1992 9mm Grade 3 IDC node neg. LB mast. Prophylactic RB mast. 6 months later. No chemo. No rads. Saline implants. 22 years NED. (No Evidence of Disease)

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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby Tigger » Sat Aug 01, 2015 6:25 pm

Oh my goodness Ruth, I can't believe your sister in law said that :mad: I have changed too. I am more direct than I used to be and tolerate less cr*p than I used to but I care at least as much as I did, maybe even more because I am so aware of how short life can be. My daughter used to be able to manipulate me and I always gave in but she is grown up now and I don't have time in my world to play manipulation games or to be anyone's whipping post. At this point she doesn't have any plans but if she is going to stay with me she needs to behave like an adult. This isn't so much a case of her coming home to Mummy and being a child again but her coming where she can be supported and can support me. If it can't work as a mutual thing it can't work.

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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby ruth1 » Sat Aug 01, 2015 11:45 am

so right Lizzie, I just cut my very close friend of 35 years out because she for some reason decided to speak to me in a very bad manner. She told me she was developing a tough persona to cope with the mean world. I cant tolerate being spoken to like cr@p so Ive held firm and deopped the friendhip. Family the same - one sister in law told me I only had myself to blame for grade 3 tumours because if Id got onto it sooner it wouldn't be this way!!! Done speak to her or my brother now either. I don't feel bitter about it but a little sad but I know I don't deserve that treatment and I wont accept it.
Dx IDC 2cm grade 3 ER/PR pos. DCIS grade 3, fam hist metastatic BC. Bi lat mastectomy, FEC x 4, surgical revision pending. AI x 5 yrs Femara

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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby Lizzie » Sat Aug 01, 2015 8:32 am

Hi Tigger
So glad you can get away for a while and that you had good news with the scans. I have often said and felt that my biggest issue with having BC is dealing with other people. Its so hard to manage everyone else when you are feeling so cr*p. I have become much better with saying exactly what I need and cutting unhelpful people out of my life. Thats a bit tricky when it is family! Sending you :hugs:
Liz

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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby ruth1 » Sat Aug 01, 2015 7:56 am

Tigger, great to have a little bit of good news with the scans - really hope that continues.

That comment of a decent meal is very mean in my view and unnecessary. It does show that I think she is lashing out and fear is probably the driving force. I think you need to put your foot down very firmly here. She has been treated so well by you and you give up your comfort for her as mums tend to do. Now that she is able to function again you need to stop that. If you allow her to steamroll over you she will keep doing it and you deserve better than that.

My 17 year old is capable of being a bit that way and I have to growl loudly at her to pull her back into line. I think there is great resentment when things don't go their way especially at home. I am very firm and say that I will not tolerate bad attitude and treatment and if you cant treat me with decency and respect then move. What plans does she have to get past this accident and move forward? Its easy to get stuck in the rut if that's the easier option.

I do hope you can change this dynamic and find some peace for yourself. :hugs:
Dx IDC 2cm grade 3 ER/PR pos. DCIS grade 3, fam hist metastatic BC. Bi lat mastectomy, FEC x 4, surgical revision pending. AI x 5 yrs Femara

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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby Janette » Sat Aug 01, 2015 1:14 am

Tigger,
That's really great news about the scans. It's lovely to see you posting and I hope getting the support you need here. I also see lots of value in the Face Book Group as well and I'm delighted that Christine mentioned it. There can never be too much support for ladies with secondaries and particularly from others in a similar situation.

Your daughter sounds very troubled. A lovely gesture to loan her your car, I do hope she appreciates it. It's sad that she isn't more helpful. I do hope things improve dramatically. You are an amazing person to do what you do. :hugs:
Janette


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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby Tigger » Sat Aug 01, 2015 12:33 am

I really must come here more often. I haven't felt so supported in ages :heart: :heart: :heart: Late this arvo I got a call from the oncology ward saying that the CT scan was actually ok. Suspected lung mets weren't mets and some shrinkage in liver mets he thinks. Hard because he was only looking at current scan and oncologist wasn't available but really appreciated that the nurse went out of his way to call me after hours to let me know it wasn't doom and gloom and that the chemo looks like it's doing something. It means I can stay on the Kadcyla which doesn't kill hair and is reasonably tolerable. :v_happy:

I told my daughter and all she could say was "Are we going to get a decent meal tomorrow then?". Given that she is a chef and there is food to cook I said to her that she was free to cook a decent meal whenever she likes but that most likely I would cook something tomorrow. I have kind of dropped the ball on proper meals the last couple of days. We have just had leftovers or chicken wraps with salad so not the end of the world. I am really needing this time away and she is planning to make the most of it too and visit some of her friends now that she can drive so hopefully she will get some stuff out of her system and be more friendly when we get home. I am leaving my comfortable automatic car at home for her to drive and taking my son's old manual mazda 121 because she has only recently started driving again and the auto is easier for her. I didn't remind her that she can actually visit her friends pretty much anytime. For some reason she puts restrictions on herself then blames me for them. It is really hard to live with. She is very much like my husband except she actually does some stuff around the house whenever she isn't angry with me.

I was joking with a friend today that we should send my daughter and my friend's husband both to live with my husband and they can all be passive aggressive together and blame each other for everything. It would be kind of amusing but probably one would kill the others.

Hoping to hear from Chrismelb about that group on FB. Sent a PM coz I couldn't find it. My FB name is Be-Ka Dexies but my name is actually Karyn. The FB was a family account hence the combo name but my kids and hubby all have their own now.

Thanks again ladies. Really really appreciate your support!! :hugs:

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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby ruth1 » Fri Jul 31, 2015 6:41 pm

well that explains a lot more Tigger - especially as she was adopted. That fear of abandonment is huge. I suggested her going to the Onc as you said she felt you weren't telling her everything but now I understand the situation more. Its a very hard issue and unless she's agreeable to doing some head space work then it wont change either.

Really pleased to hear you are away for a few days - I think you are in huge need of a respite break. I do hope its not on chemo. I feel its such a terrible situation for you - to be coping with such illness and a needy child as well, no support from your husband and now a daughter not coping too. I just hope you can find a way to put yourself a bit more at the top of the nurturing tree. You very much deserve and need it!!! :hugs:
Dx IDC 2cm grade 3 ER/PR pos. DCIS grade 3, fam hist metastatic BC. Bi lat mastectomy, FEC x 4, surgical revision pending. AI x 5 yrs Femara

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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby Tigger » Fri Jul 31, 2015 3:21 pm

The daughter I am having trouble with is my eldest. She is 31. There is no way I would take her to an appointment with me because if it is bad news (which I am expecting) then she would cry all the way home and be a complete mess and I would have to be looking after her. I keep telling her to get help but she reckons she is trying to. What she really wants is for me to be ok and go back to the strong person who has always looked after her. As much as I would like that, reality dictates a different path. My younger daughters aged 26, 19 and 9 (almost 10) and my 17 year old son all cope quite well. The little one doesn't really understand because she has an intellectual disability. The 31 year oldt is adopted and already lost her bio mother (when she was around 21). She doesn't cope well at all with anything she can't control. Her 14 year old son is coping fine.

I am going away for 3 days next week with just my son and my youngest and am looking forward to the break :) Hoping I don't start some nasty chemo next week that makes me sick for the trip but at least the boy will be driving so I can rest some of the time. :v_happy:

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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby chrismelb » Fri Jul 31, 2015 1:07 pm

Tigger, it sounds like a shite nightmare. I can understand you wanting to help your daughter and of course u do, but how does it turn around that she then makes you feel guilty or bad??? F**k, tell her to either help you physically and emotionally or get out. Especially help with your youngest who is probably you're main worry.
BUT she of course is so worried about losing you as you would hope. How old is she? Maybe she needs to join online support groups which we have all found helpful.
BTW, have i ever told you about the advanced support group on Facebook of which I am a very active member? A number of us from BCAUS are members and we offer a lot of support to each other as we are all dealing with lots of different family issues and emotions. We get it! Not to take you away from this wonderful place tho! It is only ABC women so u can say whatever you want without worrying about upsetting EBC people.
Here is a link but it mightn't work or you mightn't do Facebook. It might be worth joining Facebook just for that group and do nothing else on it. The group is called 'Support for Women with Advanced Breast Cancer'. If you find me on FAcebook i can add you. my name is Christine Lee and my profile picture is myself and my daughter wearing beanies and it has rainbow colours over it.
Sorry to hear about the hubby but often it is easier to just get them out of the picture and it is a huge weight off you.
Take care of you Tigger xo
Dx 9/03 EBC
5/12 ABC bones-Herceptin,Tamox&Zometa
8/12 Liver mets-Abraxane,Herceptin&Zometa
6/13 Xeloda/Tykerb Xgeva
11/14 TDM1 Xgeva
1/15 Rads to tumour in head
2/16 Whole brain rads lepto. mets, continue TDM1
8/16. Navelbine, Herceptin
1/17 Neratanib Xeloda & Herceptin.

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Janette
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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby Janette » Fri Jul 31, 2015 12:00 pm

Hi Tigger,
You certainly have a lot to contend with, no advice but your health needs to come first. Good to vent and I'm glad you feel you can do it here. Never feel you need to apologize. :hugs:
Janette




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Re: Hi...Vent warning

Postby ruth1 » Fri Jul 31, 2015 8:28 am

Tigger, you never have to apologise for a long vent on here. Firstly, I think your daughter needs to see a counsellor or psych. Its ot acceptable to be putting this on you. She needs to move out asap - there must be somewhere she can go - friends or your husband or someone. You simply cant be coping with this on top of everything else.

Stress is the worst thing for cancer patients to have - she is being extremely selfish in her behavior. If she really wants to be more informed bout your health perhaps she could go to your next onc visit - but sounds like that might make her worse if the news isn't good.

I think her living with your husband would be good - she cant keep on with you. :hugs:
Dx IDC 2cm grade 3 ER/PR pos. DCIS grade 3, fam hist metastatic BC. Bi lat mastectomy, FEC x 4, surgical revision pending. AI x 5 yrs Femara


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